Today is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, a day which will forever have beautiful connotations for me, memories of the best five days ever. This year, I've been going through boxes and boxes and more boxes. (Will they never end?!) I can't begin to guess how many I've cleared out since moving here. Still have quite a few to go, but today marks the end of the 'jumble' boxes. You know (or maybe you don't, if you're lucky), the ones that hold odds and ends, often the last-minute effort of getting ready for company, or stacks of unfiled, undealt-with papers. On top of those, moving created quite a few more.
I took the lid off of a big blue tub which I thought contained items belonging to my sons. They were mine, however, and there with an old clock, an envelope of stamps for my collection, a balsa wood airplane kit, some Wet Ones I obviously couldn't bear to part with, and a box of old cassettes, was a box containing the last of the mementoes of a love affair that ended badly. It was a relief to find it, as I've been wanting to throw its contents out for a year and a half, but I didn't know where it was and it wasn't worth the effort to look for it. I knew I'd run across it.
Initially, the box had been larger, as had the relationship, which had swept me off of my feet. I had gotten divorced a few years before, and self-esteem at the end of that marriage was about as low as it could go. Having had no attention for years, the least little things seemed momentous, and by the time I met (let's call him... ) 'Bob,' I was all ready for a decent man who worshiped me. Hey! Who wouldn't be? We spent a year together, broke up on our anniversary, and I fell apart emotionally. After years of being anchorless, a lifetime of feeling alone, that relationship had been a rock to me. Painfully, I kept going, building a life on my own, learning new things about myself and appreciating the things I had already known. Almost from the beginning of that end, I realized that I had not seen Bob as he really was, but had taken the image he projected. Even knowing that, though, I found it impossible to really move past the rejection, wondering how I could have been more perfect. I was spending great time with my sons, riding my bike about 20 miles daily, and enjoying good times with friends, but that monster of fear stayed in my head.
One day, fed up with myself for continuing to give a damn about what he'd thought of me and beating myself up, I called my friend Alexandra. She knew the story and listened as I described my frustration at not being able to put it all behind me. She asked me one question that changed my life. 'What are his redeeming qualities?' 'His what?' (For someone who considers herself relatively literate, this question stumped me.) 'His redeeming qualities. What qualities about him are worth this?' Standing stock-still , next to a wall of canned soups in the grocery store, I thought about it. I couldn't come up with anything. I kept thinking about it for a couple of days, the end result being an answer of 'nothing.' Every characteristic I came up with that had been one I had really admired had either been proven false, or they were things I had found in myself and could provide on my own. And that was all it took. No more hidden moping, no more held-back tears, no more self-loathing.
I'd put the trinkets and symbols of our times together in a box upon our break-up. Now I found the box, having intentionally stuck it away somewhere I wouldn't run across it, and began throwing things out. The contents dwindled to fit a shoebox. There were a few things that stumped me. Photographs. I felt easily able to throw them out, but would that be a rash act that I'd regret later in life? Were there none I would want later? Into the shoebox they went. Some stones, both a red and a white heart-shaped one, and some from various outings were added. One of those European toys you make circles with, which have a string attached to some figures above a thin board weighted to a ball underneath, in this case causing two lovebirds to kiss. I would have gotten rid of that, too, but I felt bad, as it's signed by some Eastern European who probably earned a whole 50 cents for his time. Also a 'celery dish' that was a joke. I figured I would throw the stones into a lake and I'd find a home for the lovebirds. The photos I would deal with later, and the celery dish....well, I hoped something funny would occur to me. I threw out the cards and letters. Some friends had suggested burning them, but that seemed to lend more importance than they deserved.
Meanwhile, I began life again, and better than ever before.
Fast-forward to today, and the open box. I was so happy to see those things, so I could finally dispose of them. I kept three photos: a funny one of a sign, one of myself that I liked, and a cool one I took of my feet on a beach. The rest I tore in half, with a calm smile on my face. I'm keeping two of the rocks I particularly liked. How can I not appreciate the beauty of nature contained therein? So far not disposed of are the lovebirds and the heart-shaped rocks. And the celery dish. I'm thinking it could be a fun combination of things to put on Ebay, if done in the right way. More likely, I'll just throw them out, too.
I owe my friend Alexandra a lot.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
boring knee talk
I had surgery yesterday. Arthroscopy for a torn meniscus. It's affected me more than I thought it would. More pain, and then I threw up this morning, I guess from the Vicodin. The orthopaedist called me a bit ago, though, and is giving me another prescription, plus one for nausea, so as soon as I can get my son back here to pick it up for me, I'll be just ducky. The doc said that my knee showed more wear and tear than he had expected, and he shaved quite a bit off, behind my patella. That may be part of why it hurts so much. Oh well, I'm glad I had it done.
One of the good things to come out of this is the love and care that has been shown to me by loved ones. One dear one tried to work it out to fly here to care for me (and drink a few margaritas, I suspect!), another came by here at 6 to take me to the hospital and then picked me up again after. My sons spent hours sitting there for me, and they've been absolutely wonderful about doing things for me, running errands, helping me clean up after I puked. True love, I'll tell you. It's a beautiful thing.
One of the good things to come out of this is the love and care that has been shown to me by loved ones. One dear one tried to work it out to fly here to care for me (and drink a few margaritas, I suspect!), another came by here at 6 to take me to the hospital and then picked me up again after. My sons spent hours sitting there for me, and they've been absolutely wonderful about doing things for me, running errands, helping me clean up after I puked. True love, I'll tell you. It's a beautiful thing.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
And so it resumes.
So much happening. Has been. Will be. Hopefully this will be the beginning of regular writing, again. I pretty much stopped the writing for two reasons. First, I was so overwhelmed with things going on that I had no time nor energy to spare to do so. Secondly, I probably would have felt the urge to rhapsodize about my sweetie, and that didn't seem a wise course of action in a beginning relationship. 'Hi, hon! Check out my blog! I love you. You love me. Now I'm going to analyze things in public. :smooch:'
Now, I've taken care of a lot of things that were weighing on me. I have a couple more things to do, but I'm feeling good about getting them done in the next couple of weeks. Regarding my second reason for avoiding opening up my thoughts, well....things are good. Beautiful, even. The things that were worrying me in the first few months aren't an issue any more, so I have no need to spill my guts about it. Therefore, it's safe to go back into the water again.
Now, I've taken care of a lot of things that were weighing on me. I have a couple more things to do, but I'm feeling good about getting them done in the next couple of weeks. Regarding my second reason for avoiding opening up my thoughts, well....things are good. Beautiful, even. The things that were worrying me in the first few months aren't an issue any more, so I have no need to spill my guts about it. Therefore, it's safe to go back into the water again.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Monday, September 04, 2006
The Life I Want to Live
Sorting through some of the boxes from my move, deciding what to throw out, what to give away and what to keep, I ran across a list I made two years ago, entitled 'The Life I Want to Live.'
- Examined
- Compassionate
- Clear
- Connected
- Spiritual
- Healthy
- Disciplined
- Fun
- Surprising
- Interesting
- Honest
- Appreciated
Two years later, I'd say that those characteristics still cover it. :)
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Two in One Morning!
Some Food for Thought
I got this meme from Anica’s blog:
How do you like your eggs? Soft-boiled, with a very runny middle, spread out over a buttered piece of toast. (No, I don’t do it in public.)
How do you take your coffee/tea? Black and strong. I like lattes, but prefer the straight ones….espresso, no flavors. Tea, straight or with sugar.
Favorite breakfast food? A toasted bagel with cream cheese. And extra pulpy orange juice.
Peanut butter- Smooth or crunchy? Extra Crunchy.
What kind of dressing on your salad? Bleu Cheese.
You’re feeling lazy. What do you make? Grilled cheese, preferably with sliced tomato in it.
You’re feeling really lazy. What kind of pizza do you order? Leo’s stuffed crust, with mushroom and onion.
You feel like cooking. What do you make? I can’t pick any one thing. I like so many.
Do any foods bring back good memories? Turkish brings back the most wonderful, along with garlic mashed potatoes. And octopus.
Do any foods bring back bad memories? Probably.
Do any foods remind you of someone? Yes. Turkish, garlic mashed potatoes and octopus……. The Leo's pizza reminds me of my sons.
Is there a food you refuse to eat? Kidneys. I'll give haggis one more try. Maybe.
What was your favorite food as a child? My mom made the most wonderful fish in a white sauce, flavored with white wine, over rice. I still salivate at the thought of it.
Is there a food that you hated as a child but now love? Brussels sprouts.
Is there a food that you loved as a child but now hate? Nothing that stands out.
Favorite fruit & vegetable? Fresh ripe peaches and asparagus, I guess.
Favorite junk food? Hard to choose, I like so much. Cap’n Crunch. Twinkies. Snickers. Ben & Jerry’s Pistachio Pistachio. Pringles….. You see my dilemma.
Favorite between meal snack? To be healthy, I’ll forego the previous answers and say string cheese. It’s a life-saver.
Do you have any weird food habits? Hmmmm…..I can’t think of any.
You’re on a diet. What food(s) do you fill up on? Grape tomatoes. String cheese. Fruit.
You’re off your diet. Now what would you like? Good bread. With Nutella. And a hot fudge sundae, with vanilla ice cream, bananas, almonds and whipped cream. And a rare steak, with garlic mashed potatoes. And lamb chops.
How spicy do you order Indian/Thai? Mild to medium.
Can I get you a drink? Freshly-squeezed orange juice with peach schnapps, please. My very favorite, though, if I can only pick one, is a plain margarita, on the rocks, with lots of salt.
Red wine or white? Yes.
Favorite dessert? Lots of them.
The perfect nightcap? A kiss.
I got this meme from Anica’s blog:
How do you like your eggs? Soft-boiled, with a very runny middle, spread out over a buttered piece of toast. (No, I don’t do it in public.)
How do you take your coffee/tea? Black and strong. I like lattes, but prefer the straight ones….espresso, no flavors. Tea, straight or with sugar.
Favorite breakfast food? A toasted bagel with cream cheese. And extra pulpy orange juice.
Peanut butter- Smooth or crunchy? Extra Crunchy.
What kind of dressing on your salad? Bleu Cheese.
You’re feeling lazy. What do you make? Grilled cheese, preferably with sliced tomato in it.
You’re feeling really lazy. What kind of pizza do you order? Leo’s stuffed crust, with mushroom and onion.
You feel like cooking. What do you make? I can’t pick any one thing. I like so many.
Do any foods bring back good memories? Turkish brings back the most wonderful, along with garlic mashed potatoes. And octopus.
Do any foods bring back bad memories? Probably.
Do any foods remind you of someone? Yes. Turkish, garlic mashed potatoes and octopus……. The Leo's pizza reminds me of my sons.
Is there a food you refuse to eat? Kidneys. I'll give haggis one more try. Maybe.
What was your favorite food as a child? My mom made the most wonderful fish in a white sauce, flavored with white wine, over rice. I still salivate at the thought of it.
Is there a food that you hated as a child but now love? Brussels sprouts.
Is there a food that you loved as a child but now hate? Nothing that stands out.
Favorite fruit & vegetable? Fresh ripe peaches and asparagus, I guess.
Favorite junk food? Hard to choose, I like so much. Cap’n Crunch. Twinkies. Snickers. Ben & Jerry’s Pistachio Pistachio. Pringles….. You see my dilemma.
Favorite between meal snack? To be healthy, I’ll forego the previous answers and say string cheese. It’s a life-saver.
Do you have any weird food habits? Hmmmm…..I can’t think of any.
You’re on a diet. What food(s) do you fill up on? Grape tomatoes. String cheese. Fruit.
You’re off your diet. Now what would you like? Good bread. With Nutella. And a hot fudge sundae, with vanilla ice cream, bananas, almonds and whipped cream. And a rare steak, with garlic mashed potatoes. And lamb chops.
How spicy do you order Indian/Thai? Mild to medium.
Can I get you a drink? Freshly-squeezed orange juice with peach schnapps, please. My very favorite, though, if I can only pick one, is a plain margarita, on the rocks, with lots of salt.
Red wine or white? Yes.
Favorite dessert? Lots of them.
The perfect nightcap? A kiss.
Protection
No, not what may have come to your mind at first (or is that only because I'm around teenagers so much?)
Over the last two years, I had gradually put on almost 25 pounds. The main reason, I believe, was to protect myself from the attention of those whose shallowness should lead them in other directions. I stopped my bike riding, I let go of my yoga, and I wasn't eating well. Yes, there was stress, etc., but by and large, it was to buffer myself.
I guess the need to do that has disappeared, because in the last three months I've lost fifteen pounds, mostly without trying. I haven't done it for anyone else, either. I feel so much better.
Over the last two years, I had gradually put on almost 25 pounds. The main reason, I believe, was to protect myself from the attention of those whose shallowness should lead them in other directions. I stopped my bike riding, I let go of my yoga, and I wasn't eating well. Yes, there was stress, etc., but by and large, it was to buffer myself.
I guess the need to do that has disappeared, because in the last three months I've lost fifteen pounds, mostly without trying. I haven't done it for anyone else, either. I feel so much better.
Friday, August 18, 2006
An Old Story....Updated
I began this entry with the intention of getting out my feelings of sadness over the moving of my youngest son to college. It would have been brilliant, no doubt, but luckily I got some RP love in the nick of time.
So, no moroseness. Maybe another time.
Peace.
So, no moroseness. Maybe another time.
Peace.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Wuv. Twoo Wove.
Not much time, but I've been wanting to get back to this, so I'll start small.
I've been musing on love. True, unconditional love. Experiencing it, I've had to realize how mistrusting of men's ability to honestly experience it I'd become over the last three years. I was going to say, men's ability to sustain it, but isn't that the point of true love? The real, this-is-not-infatuation love. I suppose it's normal to project unease from previous relationships onto a later one, to some extent, but it's sure not fair for my sweetie to have to pay for the sins of lesser men, so I'll stop.
And thus leave myself wide open.
Imagine what it will be like to look back, twenty years later, smile and know that it truly has been real, finally.
Or is even saying this out loud a jinx?
*deep breath*
OK. Let go. You think this happens every day?
I've been musing on love. True, unconditional love. Experiencing it, I've had to realize how mistrusting of men's ability to honestly experience it I'd become over the last three years. I was going to say, men's ability to sustain it, but isn't that the point of true love? The real, this-is-not-infatuation love. I suppose it's normal to project unease from previous relationships onto a later one, to some extent, but it's sure not fair for my sweetie to have to pay for the sins of lesser men, so I'll stop.
And thus leave myself wide open.
Imagine what it will be like to look back, twenty years later, smile and know that it truly has been real, finally.
Or is even saying this out loud a jinx?
*deep breath*
OK. Let go. You think this happens every day?
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Four Things Meme
Four Things Meme
I’ve been tagged by Hotski, and added in a category from Ali’s. Nothin’ but the best, here!
Four jobs I have had in my life:
Microfiche maker
Extraneous materials tester in a candy factory
Teacher
Cafeteria line for a semester
Four movies I would watch over and over:
The Princess Bride
The Twilight Samurai
Can I count the entire Babylon 5 series as one?
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Four places I have lived:
The only Oblong (thank FSM)
Springfield, IL, home of the Simpsons and all things Lincoln
Delta House (not a sorority!)
Santa Monica
Four TV shows I love to watch:
I haven’t been watching much, but I guess I’d choose-
S-G1/Stargate/whatever it’s called
Battlestar Galactica
The Simpsons
The Daily Show
Four places I have been on vacation:
Morocco
The Adirondacks and Saratoga Springs and Manhattan (same trip)
Louisiana
Germany and Rome (ditto)
Four websites I visit daily :
Radio Paradise
My emails....well, some of them, usually....
Google images
Nancies.org (except for when I get behind, which is more than I’d like)
Four of my favorite foods:
fresh naan
Fresh pineapple
Anything made with someone I love
Kozy Shack chocolate pudding
Four places I would rather be right now:
1,060 miles away
yes
yeah
yep
(oh, ok- Pretty much anywhere in Europe, or in Costa Rica or Quebec. And 1,060 miles away.)
Four albums I can’t live without (at least for the moment):
The Garden State soundtrack
Fiona Apple’s Extraordinary Machine
Patty Griffin’s Impossible Dream
Cat Steven’s Greatest Hits
Four bloggers I am tagging:
Erinn
Jennnn
Melanie
Edie
I’ve been tagged by Hotski, and added in a category from Ali’s. Nothin’ but the best, here!
Four jobs I have had in my life:
Microfiche maker
Extraneous materials tester in a candy factory
Teacher
Cafeteria line for a semester
Four movies I would watch over and over:
The Princess Bride
The Twilight Samurai
Can I count the entire Babylon 5 series as one?
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Four places I have lived:
The only Oblong (thank FSM)
Springfield, IL, home of the Simpsons and all things Lincoln
Delta House (not a sorority!)
Santa Monica
Four TV shows I love to watch:
I haven’t been watching much, but I guess I’d choose-
S-G1/Stargate/whatever it’s called
Battlestar Galactica
The Simpsons
The Daily Show
Four places I have been on vacation:
Morocco
The Adirondacks and Saratoga Springs and Manhattan (same trip)
Louisiana
Germany and Rome (ditto)
Four websites I visit daily :
Radio Paradise
My emails....well, some of them, usually....
Google images
Nancies.org (except for when I get behind, which is more than I’d like)
Four of my favorite foods:
fresh naan
Fresh pineapple
Anything made with someone I love
Kozy Shack chocolate pudding
Four places I would rather be right now:
1,060 miles away
yes
yeah
yep
(oh, ok- Pretty much anywhere in Europe, or in Costa Rica or Quebec. And 1,060 miles away.)
Four albums I can’t live without (at least for the moment):
The Garden State soundtrack
Fiona Apple’s Extraordinary Machine
Patty Griffin’s Impossible Dream
Cat Steven’s Greatest Hits
Four bloggers I am tagging:
Erinn
Jennnn
Melanie
Edie
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
A World of Love
You know, life is funny - a goofy, loopy swirl, seen through the right lens. Ups and downs, losses and gains, but an upward spiral, overall.
I've been away from my blog for a long time. I've missed it. I have so much I wanted to say, but I've been busy, and some of what I'd like to say, I can't. I started sending out my DQs again, yesterday. I got some nice responses from people who would have a right to be annoyed with me for my sporadic communications. I spent time Sunday with one of the dearest friends I've ever had. I got a PM this evening from a man I'll probably never meet (though I hold out hope!), who reads my blog and nudges me back in when I get too far out of the loop. (Thanks, Jay.)
Love is a precious commodity in this world. It's not that it's rare, it's that we so rarely see even a smidgeon of what's there. Now, I must find a Hafiz to quote, as he knows so well what I am feeling.... OK. Done- This one will say it:
It Felt Love
How Did the rose
Ever open its heart
And give to the world
All its
Beauty?
It felt the encouragement of light
Against its
Being.
Otherwise,
We all remain
Too
Frightened.
Translated by Daniel Ladinsky, The Gift
I am so grateful for the abundance of loving, open people in my life.
I've been away from my blog for a long time. I've missed it. I have so much I wanted to say, but I've been busy, and some of what I'd like to say, I can't. I started sending out my DQs again, yesterday. I got some nice responses from people who would have a right to be annoyed with me for my sporadic communications. I spent time Sunday with one of the dearest friends I've ever had. I got a PM this evening from a man I'll probably never meet (though I hold out hope!), who reads my blog and nudges me back in when I get too far out of the loop. (Thanks, Jay.)
Love is a precious commodity in this world. It's not that it's rare, it's that we so rarely see even a smidgeon of what's there. Now, I must find a Hafiz to quote, as he knows so well what I am feeling.... OK. Done- This one will say it:
It Felt Love
How Did the rose
Ever open its heart
And give to the world
All its
Beauty?
It felt the encouragement of light
Against its
Being.
Otherwise,
We all remain
Too
Frightened.
Translated by Daniel Ladinsky, The Gift
I am so grateful for the abundance of loving, open people in my life.
Sunday, October 30, 2005
7 Things Meme
Seven Things Meme.
I got this from the lovely Melanie.
It’s my first meme.
7 Things I Can Do:
1. Play piano and bassoon.
2. Camp.
3. Make the best chicken spaetzle soup you’ve ever had.
4. Make yoga accessible to a wide range of people.
5. Love unconditionally.
6. Jump into things. (It’s a talent.)
7. Give most excellent massages.
8. Laugh. (Yeah, I know.)
7 Things I Cannot Do:
1. Speak German or French fluently, dammit.
2. Rollerblade.
3. Kayak. (on my list for next summer)
4. Cook Thai. (yet)
5. Swim the way one is supposed to, with my head down in the water.
6. Hit people.
7. Follow rules. See above.
7 Things That Attract Me to the Opposite Sex:
1. Brains.
2. Good with words.
3. Able to communicate well in a relationship, because one of us should be able to.
4. Honest, with others and with himself.
5. Openly physically appreciative. I really like to be touched.
6. Likes to cook.
7. Good sense of humour.
8. A strong social conscience.
9. Warm.
7 Things That I Say Most Often:
1. Hang on.
2. And WHY are you in the left lane???!!!!
3. Thank you.
4. Yes, please.
5. OK
6. I guess.
7. I love that song!
7 Celebrity Crushes:
1. Tim Roth. (He was in this movie, where he played a prisoner who got out on work release. Totally fired my blood.)
2. Sean Bean.
3. Viggo Mortensen. (These last two were pre-LOTR. Do I have good taste, or what?)
4. Steve Earle’s voice.
5. Patrick Fitzgerald.
hmmmm…..
6. George Clooney is pretty sexy.
7. I could probably have some fun with Dave Matthews.
7 Things I Plan to do Before I Die:
1. Rent a villa in Tuscany with a group of friends.
2. Hold many, many parties and gatherings.
3. Have a gas stove and a great kitchen. Not fancy, just a usable one, with room for everyone to congregate and enjoy.
4. Spend more time in Morocco.
5. Speak German fluently. (French would be good, too.)
6. Spend weeks and weeks and weeks in Europe.
7. See my sons happy and comfortable in their lives.
7 People I Want to do This:
You. All of you.
I got this from the lovely Melanie.
It’s my first meme.
7 Things I Can Do:
1. Play piano and bassoon.
2. Camp.
3. Make the best chicken spaetzle soup you’ve ever had.
4. Make yoga accessible to a wide range of people.
5. Love unconditionally.
6. Jump into things. (It’s a talent.)
7. Give most excellent massages.
8. Laugh. (Yeah, I know.)
7 Things I Cannot Do:
1. Speak German or French fluently, dammit.
2. Rollerblade.
3. Kayak. (on my list for next summer)
4. Cook Thai. (yet)
5. Swim the way one is supposed to, with my head down in the water.
6. Hit people.
7. Follow rules. See above.
7 Things That Attract Me to the Opposite Sex:
1. Brains.
2. Good with words.
3. Able to communicate well in a relationship, because one of us should be able to.
4. Honest, with others and with himself.
5. Openly physically appreciative. I really like to be touched.
6. Likes to cook.
7. Good sense of humour.
8. A strong social conscience.
9. Warm.
7 Things That I Say Most Often:
1. Hang on.
2. And WHY are you in the left lane???!!!!
3. Thank you.
4. Yes, please.
5. OK
6. I guess.
7. I love that song!
7 Celebrity Crushes:
1. Tim Roth. (He was in this movie, where he played a prisoner who got out on work release. Totally fired my blood.)
2. Sean Bean.
3. Viggo Mortensen. (These last two were pre-LOTR. Do I have good taste, or what?)
4. Steve Earle’s voice.
5. Patrick Fitzgerald.
hmmmm…..
6. George Clooney is pretty sexy.
7. I could probably have some fun with Dave Matthews.
7 Things I Plan to do Before I Die:
1. Rent a villa in Tuscany with a group of friends.
2. Hold many, many parties and gatherings.
3. Have a gas stove and a great kitchen. Not fancy, just a usable one, with room for everyone to congregate and enjoy.
4. Spend more time in Morocco.
5. Speak German fluently. (French would be good, too.)
6. Spend weeks and weeks and weeks in Europe.
7. See my sons happy and comfortable in their lives.
7 People I Want to do This:
You. All of you.
Where to now, St. Peter?
The final installment of my birthday trilogy. It's a new year for me. Where to go with it, what to focus on?
1. Get back into really good shape, mainly with yoga over this winter, then back on my bike like I did in '04. Keep my eyes open for a good and affordable used bike.
2. Write my teacher's manual.
3. Write more letters.
4. Find more outlets to teach yoga. Of all that I do, that gives me the most joy.
5. Find another place to live.
6. Entertain.
7. Clear out, pare down.
8. Do what I want to. Really want to.
1. Get back into really good shape, mainly with yoga over this winter, then back on my bike like I did in '04. Keep my eyes open for a good and affordable used bike.
2. Write my teacher's manual.
3. Write more letters.
4. Find more outlets to teach yoga. Of all that I do, that gives me the most joy.
5. Find another place to live.
6. Entertain.
7. Clear out, pare down.
8. Do what I want to. Really want to.
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Upswing
Today is better. It's a beautiful day outside, to begin with. I'm done with work, and after I finish this, I'm taking a walk to pick some leaves to mail to a few friends.
This last week was tough. It reeked of death. I watched Hotel Rwanda five times, four with students and once with Matt. Then there was the obligatory accompanying research and discussion. The Iraq war death toll just from US soldiers, not counting the thousands and thousands of others dead, reached over 2,000. To end the death march, on Thursday evening I heard that a young woman who had gone missing from her college an hour away had been found, her body dumped and burned in an old chicken coop along I-55 in Mississippi. It turns out that she was the girlfriend of a former student of mine, with whose father I work. It was a dark, dark week.
The birthday disappointment just came on the tail of that. I felt really alone Thursday, when I heard about the death. I didn't want to email someone, or chat about it. Didn't want to call anyone on the phone. I didn't even want to talk, I just wanted to cry and be held. Knowing that isn't possible right now gave me an ache.
I need to say that I have wonderful friends. I have women and men in my life for whom I thank God every day. Some are physically close, some are far. The worst part about how I felt yesterday wasn't about my friends, it was about me, wondering if I was lacking as a friend. If not hearing from some of the people I love the most was a reflection on how I am with others I love.
So anyway, it's another day.
This last week was tough. It reeked of death. I watched Hotel Rwanda five times, four with students and once with Matt. Then there was the obligatory accompanying research and discussion. The Iraq war death toll just from US soldiers, not counting the thousands and thousands of others dead, reached over 2,000. To end the death march, on Thursday evening I heard that a young woman who had gone missing from her college an hour away had been found, her body dumped and burned in an old chicken coop along I-55 in Mississippi. It turns out that she was the girlfriend of a former student of mine, with whose father I work. It was a dark, dark week.
The birthday disappointment just came on the tail of that. I felt really alone Thursday, when I heard about the death. I didn't want to email someone, or chat about it. Didn't want to call anyone on the phone. I didn't even want to talk, I just wanted to cry and be held. Knowing that isn't possible right now gave me an ache.
I need to say that I have wonderful friends. I have women and men in my life for whom I thank God every day. Some are physically close, some are far. The worst part about how I felt yesterday wasn't about my friends, it was about me, wondering if I was lacking as a friend. If not hearing from some of the people I love the most was a reflection on how I am with others I love.
So anyway, it's another day.
Friday, October 28, 2005
the 44th
Happy Birthday to me. 44 years today.
Today was actually kind of sucky, and I spent a part of it fighting off sadness. A confluence of issues have been weighing me down, and the approach of this birthday was an unknown variable. How would it be? I knew I wouldn't have my sons with me. My friends are too far or largely unavailable. Not that I called everyone I could have. In fact I only called one, but that's because the ones close have too much else going on and I knew better. I've been a little uncertain about the whole thing. My last two birthdays were fun. Good times, after a long time where my birthdays were not considered a big deal. Then this fall comes and I'm on my own re: sons, no lover and most friends gone or busy. I wasn't planning to sit around and be morose, though. Thought I might get a long massage, buy some music. Exciting, huh? A massage would have been good. Instead, yesterday afternoon, I ended up making plans to go out with two women I teach with. So, birthday night plans taken care of.
I came home yesterday to find Sean and Matt pulling into the drive behind me. They'd been to the store to get charcoal, steaks, veggies, German chocolate cake fixings and a card and gift. Terrific, they are.
I did hear from both of my parents, a good thing on a birthday. Got a card from one of my brothers yesterday, and an email from him today. Giftcard for WorldMarket, too, which I can't wait to spend. Didn't hear from any friends. Nada. That made the day drag by so slowly. It's not a fingerpointing, since I vary on how well I'm doing with others, myself. I just didn't expect a complete lack of any attention. When I got home, I saw that TerBear had made a thread for me, and that lightened my mood considerably. My evening out was great fun. Things to remember include me giving advice on which way to turn from the backseat. 'Yeah, it's a two-way.' ..... I really thought that second wine would be ok since I wasn't driving. It did, however, lead to the funniest situation I've been in for a long time, barring a certain canoe ride a couple of weeks ago. The fact that it was on a par with that says something about how much we laughed. We had a great dinner, good conversation and ended with a French film. It was a good night. And my day began with a note taped to my bathroom mirror, saying 'Happy birthday, Mom.' It was a good way to start my 45th year. I can take a flat middle sometimes, when the beginning and end are worth it. And it definitely left room for improvement next year. I'd hate to have such a great time that nothing else could ever come close. OK....I'd give it a try.
Today was actually kind of sucky, and I spent a part of it fighting off sadness. A confluence of issues have been weighing me down, and the approach of this birthday was an unknown variable. How would it be? I knew I wouldn't have my sons with me. My friends are too far or largely unavailable. Not that I called everyone I could have. In fact I only called one, but that's because the ones close have too much else going on and I knew better. I've been a little uncertain about the whole thing. My last two birthdays were fun. Good times, after a long time where my birthdays were not considered a big deal. Then this fall comes and I'm on my own re: sons, no lover and most friends gone or busy. I wasn't planning to sit around and be morose, though. Thought I might get a long massage, buy some music. Exciting, huh? A massage would have been good. Instead, yesterday afternoon, I ended up making plans to go out with two women I teach with. So, birthday night plans taken care of.
I came home yesterday to find Sean and Matt pulling into the drive behind me. They'd been to the store to get charcoal, steaks, veggies, German chocolate cake fixings and a card and gift. Terrific, they are.
I did hear from both of my parents, a good thing on a birthday. Got a card from one of my brothers yesterday, and an email from him today. Giftcard for WorldMarket, too, which I can't wait to spend. Didn't hear from any friends. Nada. That made the day drag by so slowly. It's not a fingerpointing, since I vary on how well I'm doing with others, myself. I just didn't expect a complete lack of any attention. When I got home, I saw that TerBear had made a thread for me, and that lightened my mood considerably. My evening out was great fun. Things to remember include me giving advice on which way to turn from the backseat. 'Yeah, it's a two-way.' ..... I really thought that second wine would be ok since I wasn't driving. It did, however, lead to the funniest situation I've been in for a long time, barring a certain canoe ride a couple of weeks ago. The fact that it was on a par with that says something about how much we laughed. We had a great dinner, good conversation and ended with a French film. It was a good night. And my day began with a note taped to my bathroom mirror, saying 'Happy birthday, Mom.' It was a good way to start my 45th year. I can take a flat middle sometimes, when the beginning and end are worth it. And it definitely left room for improvement next year. I'd hate to have such a great time that nothing else could ever come close. OK....I'd give it a try.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Reste avec moi.
I looked at his fingers, could feel them slide over my skin,
softly searching,
savoring touch.
His hair curled softly along his nape,
my fingers knew their texture.
I breathed in his scent,
smiling at this first knowledge.
He talked,
and the words tumbled into my mind.
He remembered,
and my being expanded.
The night passed,
and his distance grew.
Love offered and sidestepped,
mutely tendered and left to hang in the midnight air,
drifting through music to find a place to rest.
softly searching,
savoring touch.
His hair curled softly along his nape,
my fingers knew their texture.
I breathed in his scent,
smiling at this first knowledge.
He talked,
and the words tumbled into my mind.
He remembered,
and my being expanded.
The night passed,
and his distance grew.
Love offered and sidestepped,
mutely tendered and left to hang in the midnight air,
drifting through music to find a place to rest.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
A Year and a Half
“Guess who I'm chatting with, Mom?”
"Who?"
"Erin."
Stop.
"Erin who?"
"You know, Don's daughter."
Keep folding.
"You've had her AIM all of this time?"
It's been a year and a half.
A year and a half and a lifetime.
A year and a half and a day.
"I just remembered it."
"That's some memory you have."
"Yeah."
It runs in the family.
"I'm having trouble holding on to who I am."
He said.
I understand.
I always understand.
I don't want to lose myself, either.
Getting to myself was hardwon.
A year and a half later, I've gotten back parts that I let go.
Funny how quickly that happened.
I don't think I would do that now.
Two and a half years ago, it was so new to me.
I didn't feel like I had to be on guard.
And I don't cut and run.
I don't think it was about feeling lost.
That’s an easier excuse.
It
was
about
surrender
trust
acceptance
believing.
Easier to cut and run.
Is it a fault or a grace to see the best parts of someone?
To see that the entirety is greater than the sum of the parts?
To love the parts because they formed the whole?
Progression Regression
Reversal
Whole
Gain in loss.
Refinement in fire.
Love
Laughter
Joy
Peace
It's all here.
I don't seek perfection, I seek what's real.
I'm real.
"Who?"
"Erin."
Stop.
"Erin who?"
"You know, Don's daughter."
Keep folding.
"You've had her AIM all of this time?"
It's been a year and a half.
A year and a half and a lifetime.
A year and a half and a day.
"I just remembered it."
"That's some memory you have."
"Yeah."
It runs in the family.
"I'm having trouble holding on to who I am."
He said.
I understand.
I always understand.
I don't want to lose myself, either.
Getting to myself was hardwon.
A year and a half later, I've gotten back parts that I let go.
Funny how quickly that happened.
I don't think I would do that now.
Two and a half years ago, it was so new to me.
I didn't feel like I had to be on guard.
And I don't cut and run.
I don't think it was about feeling lost.
That’s an easier excuse.
It
was
about
surrender
trust
acceptance
believing.
Easier to cut and run.
Is it a fault or a grace to see the best parts of someone?
To see that the entirety is greater than the sum of the parts?
To love the parts because they formed the whole?
Progression Regression
Reversal
Whole
Gain in loss.
Refinement in fire.
Love
Laughter
Joy
Peace
It's all here.
I don't seek perfection, I seek what's real.
I'm real.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Ask Me Almost Anything, Pt. II
OK- Second Try:
:-)
You do 2 things:
1. Answer the following A-D for me.
2. Cut and paste this into your blog, to continue the game.
A. Recommend a book and tell me why:
B. Recommend a movie and tell me why:
C. Recommend a cd/album and tell me why (Can you tell I'm a teacher?) :
D. Ask me anything, unless it would embarass another person:
:-)
You do 2 things:
1. Answer the following A-D for me.
2. Cut and paste this into your blog, to continue the game.
A. Recommend a book and tell me why:
B. Recommend a movie and tell me why:
C. Recommend a cd/album and tell me why (Can you tell I'm a teacher?) :
D. Ask me anything, unless it would embarass another person:
Saturday, October 08, 2005
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