So What's the Rub?

I hate it when I'm bothered by my emotional response to remnants of past experiences. My ex is now engaged, and my older son is going to go and live with him (four hours away). The move of my son is a sore enough subject that I don't want to blog about it right now, but I'm pissed at my ex. I don't even like saying that- 'my' ex. Like there's still some residual tie. Of course, we have two sons together, so yes, I know that will continue, but if I could have all remnants of him gone from my life, I'd be fine with it. Does that sound harsh? It does to me, but it's also true.

Without a lot of detail, here's a summary of the pattern of our time together. He acts helpless, just sits and waits. I step in, do what needs to be done, sometimes well, other times not. He stands back and complains. Check out Aimee Mann's Driving Sideways lyrics for a good view of this.

After our divorce, I sought no alimony, just 'sharing' of the expenses that would be a part of raising our sons. Too vague, I know, but I wanted out. It was worth it. Over the last few years I've paid more than my share. I haven't been clear with him on how much, because he'd always complain about being 'broke.' His overtime had been cut, etc. Fine. I keep in mind how glad I am to be away from him and know that the time of me paying for my sons is nearing an end. I also know that this hasn't been the smartest thing for me to do, and I'm angry with myself over it.

He's now gotten involved with a woman he'd been good friends with in high school. They're going to get married. He's deliriously in love (hey, I can relate) and just moved back to his hometown. That part I like. He's getting a woman who loves his baseball team, makes a good living, is giving him her big truck, has bought him a cell phone and has also just bought him a huge, fancy grill. On top of this, she gets to have one of my sons living with her. That's the part that hurts. The rest just pisses me off, and I've been trying to figure what bothers me the most about it.

Is it that when our kids have needed things, he'd disagree that they needed them, or just shirk on the bills, saying he was barely making it?

Is it that I wasn't assertive enough about that? I know that what's happening now taps into knowledge that I was kind of taken for a ride during my marriage. Kept my eyes closed to things that would be too painful to really, clearly see.

Is it that he's apparently landed in a rose garden, and I don't feel he deserves it?

Is it that I've been trying to hold things together here when all I've wanted for the past year and a half is to be able to greatly change my living situation, too?

I was already bothered by this stuff (along with a whole related part which will eventually make its way into another blog entry), and then I get the coup de grace. His girlfriend apparently has a nice, big ring from him.

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That this bothers me, since I'm not a material person, is upsetting, and given the state of diamond mining, I'd rather have something else, anyway. It's not the ring that bothers me, it's two things associated with it. First, that he came up with the money for that when he's been so miserly with me. Second, bad memories associated with the scene of our going to get mine when we were engaged. Suffice it to say that the only reason he was purchasing one at that time was that he wanted guys at college to stay away. Silly me, I was expecting it to be a romantic, loving experience, and all he did was to complain about the cost and buy the cheapest one he could get away with. Looking back, it was a sign of things to come that I really should have noted.