Monday, January 15, 2007

Freedom!

Today is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, a day which will forever have beautiful connotations for me, memories of the best five days ever. This year, I've been going through boxes and boxes and more boxes. (Will they never end?!) I can't begin to guess how many I've cleared out since moving here. Still have quite a few to go, but today marks the end of the 'jumble' boxes. You know (or maybe you don't, if you're lucky), the ones that hold odds and ends, often the last-minute effort of getting ready for company, or stacks of unfiled, undealt-with papers. On top of those, moving created quite a few more.

I took the lid off of a big blue tub which I thought contained items belonging to my sons. They were mine, however, and there with an old clock, an envelope of stamps for my collection, a balsa wood airplane kit, some Wet Ones I obviously couldn't bear to part with, and a box of old cassettes, was a box containing the last of the mementoes of a love affair that ended badly. It was a relief to find it, as I've been wanting to throw its contents out for a year and a half, but I didn't know where it was and it wasn't worth the effort to look for it. I knew I'd run across it.

Initially, the box had been larger, as had the relationship, which had swept me off of my feet. I had gotten divorced a few years before, and self-esteem at the end of that marriage was about as low as it could go. Having had no attention for years, the least little things seemed momentous, and by the time I met (let's call him... ) 'Bob,' I was all ready for a decent man who worshiped me. Hey! Who wouldn't be? We spent a year together, broke up on our anniversary, and I fell apart emotionally. After years of being anchorless, a lifetime of feeling alone, that relationship had been a rock to me. Painfully, I kept going, building a life on my own, learning new things about myself and appreciating the things I had already known. Almost from the beginning of that end, I realized that I had not seen Bob as he really was, but had taken the image he projected. Even knowing that, though, I found it impossible to really move past the rejection, wondering how I could have been more perfect. I was spending great time with my sons, riding my bike about 20 miles daily, and enjoying good times with friends, but that monster of fear stayed in my head.

One day, fed up with myself for continuing to give a damn about what he'd thought of me and beating myself up, I called my friend Alexandra. She knew the story and listened as I described my frustration at not being able to put it all behind me. She asked me one question that changed my life. 'What are his redeeming qualities?' 'His what?' (For someone who considers herself relatively literate, this question stumped me.) 'His redeeming qualities. What qualities about him are worth this?' Standing stock-still , next to a wall of canned soups in the grocery store, I thought about it. I couldn't come up with anything. I kept thinking about it for a couple of days, the end result being an answer of 'nothing.' Every characteristic I came up with that had been one I had really admired had either been proven false, or they were things I had found in myself and could provide on my own. And that was all it took. No more hidden moping, no more held-back tears, no more self-loathing.

I'd put the trinkets and symbols of our times together in a box upon our break-up. Now I found the box, having intentionally stuck it away somewhere I wouldn't run across it, and began throwing things out. The contents dwindled to fit a shoebox. There were a few things that stumped me. Photographs. I felt easily able to throw them out, but would that be a rash act that I'd regret later in life? Were there none I would want later? Into the shoebox they went. Some stones, both a red and a white heart-shaped one, and some from various outings were added. One of those European toys you make circles with, which have a string attached to some figures above a thin board weighted to a ball underneath, in this case causing two lovebirds to kiss. I would have gotten rid of that, too, but I felt bad, as it's signed by some Eastern European who probably earned a whole 50 cents for his time. Also a 'celery dish' that was a joke. I figured I would throw the stones into a lake and I'd find a home for the lovebirds. The photos I would deal with later, and the celery dish....well, I hoped something funny would occur to me. I threw out the cards and letters. Some friends had suggested burning them, but that seemed to lend more importance than they deserved.

Meanwhile, I began life again, and better than ever before.

Fast-forward to today, and the open box. I was so happy to see those things, so I could finally dispose of them. I kept three photos: a funny one of a sign, one of myself that I liked, and a cool one I took of my feet on a beach. The rest I tore in half, with a calm smile on my face. I'm keeping two of the rocks I particularly liked. How can I not appreciate the beauty of nature contained therein? So far not disposed of are the lovebirds and the heart-shaped rocks. And the celery dish. I'm thinking it could be a fun combination of things to put on Ebay, if done in the right way. More likely, I'll just throw them out, too.

I owe my friend Alexandra a lot.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I posted all kinds of good stuff but this blogger is suckin now! so... just know I posted good stuff!

Mississippi Songbird said...

I hope you're feeling better now after your surgery...
Yeah, I need to learn how to use E-Bay. I could make some money at it..
As it is now, I just give it to the Salvation Army...

**hugs**

Alexandra said...

Anna, this blog entry sounds like an article in a magazine, or a chapter in a book. I guess it is the end of a chapter in your life, yes?

I'm so glad we can all make differences like this in one another's lives. More affirmation of our One-ness.

Words cannot say how full my heart is for you and your new and very REAL love these days! :)