All in a Jumble

I love this blogging. I've written much less than I have wanted to, since I began it. During the day, maybe while I'm driving, I'll find myself thinking of things I want to write. Other tasks then distract me. That's alright, but it reinforces to me that I need to make changes in my life. It's not that I can't remember the important things, but I like the idea of using this to remember the serendipitous things I experience- linkages of words, lyrics, sights, smells, emotions,..... the funny ways that daily life can play out. For instance, writing that last sentence reminded me of two things I wanted to write about last week.

And so, back to changes.

I've made a lot in the last five years, and they've gone for the good overall. I like my life. In 2000 I was fighting just to stay afloat, and I made it. My sons are healthy and happy, and so am I. My ex would never admit it, but he seems happier, too.

Five years ago, I asked of my counselor, 'What if I don't like myself when I find out who I am?' I knew at the time what a devastatingly sad statement that was, but it was honest. It's hard to describe. It's not that I am different, in my core. It's that my core was so covered over with the layers I had assumed, trying to keep afloat in waters that were increasingly unfamiliar.

Yet here I am, having come back to myself in more fullness than I have ever experienced. I know that I need to make changes. I've gotten rid of a lot of stuff, but I feel like my house is overflowing. My garage has room for my car, but the rest is packed, full of items for a yard sale. But when I look around my house, I still feel an urge to shed. With my southern friends just now going through the initial aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, I feel a need to pare down and share. Pare down. Lighten up.

Pare down my possessions, but also pare down the extraneous things that take my time. Cut away the creeping cynicism that is a legacy of my last two romantic relationships. Lighten my load a little more. Free myself to be more available for whatever experiences cross my path.

This blogging is good. I have felt so jumbled up today. Now my thoughts feel a little lighter, anyway.

Before I began this, someone mentioned an aspect of blogging that I am really valuing. (Thanks, Joseph.) No apologies. Then Jennnn remarked the same thing after my second entry. This is all mine, and I can write what I want to. It's an interesting concept, because it is a public offering. It's not that writing is new to me. I have a handwritten journal, and I seem to express my thoughts better in writing. But the idea of doing what I want to, with no apologies, is one of those things I have made significant strides with since 2000. It was hard enough for me to be honest in my private journal, just a few years ago.