Hmmm......

What to write?

The Life I Want to Live

Sorting through some of the boxes from my move, deciding what to throw out, what to give away and what to keep, I ran across a list I made two years ago, entitled 'The Life I Want to Live.'

• Examined
• Compassionate
• Clear
• Connected
• Spiritual
• Healthy
• Disciplined
• Fun
• Surprising
• Interesting
• Honest
• Appreciated

Two years later, I'd say that those characteristics still cover it. :)

Simply

Last night was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.

Two in One Morning!

Some Food for Thought
I got this meme from Anica’s blog:

How do you like your eggs? Soft-boiled, with a very runny middle, spread out over a buttered piece of toast. (No, I don’t do it in public.)

How do you take your coffee/tea? Black and strong. I like lattes, but prefer the straight ones….espresso, no flavors. Tea, straight or with sugar.

Favorite breakfast food? A toasted bagel with cream cheese. And extra pulpy orange juice.

Peanut butter- Smooth or crunchy? Extra Crunchy.

What kind of dressing on your salad? Bleu Cheese.

You’re feeling lazy. What do you make? Grilled cheese, preferably with sliced tomato in it.

You’re feeling really lazy. What kind of pizza do you order? Leo’s stuffed crust, with mushroom and onion.

You feel like cooking. What do you make? I can’t pick any one thing. I like so many.

Do any foods bring back good memories? Turkish brings back the most wonderful, along with garlic mashed potatoes. And octopus.

Do any foods bring back bad memories? Probably.

Do any foods remind you of someone? Yes. Turkish, garlic mashed potatoes and octopus……. The Leo's pizza reminds me of my sons.

Is there a food you refuse to eat? Kidneys. I'll give haggis one more try. Maybe.

What was your favorite food as a child? My mom made the most wonderful fish in a white sauce, flavored with white wine, over rice. I still salivate at the thought of it.

Is there a food that you hated as a child but now love? Brussels sprouts.

Is there a food that you loved as a child but now hate? Nothing that stands out.

Favorite fruit & vegetable? Fresh ripe peaches and asparagus, I guess.

Favorite junk food? Hard to choose, I like so much. Cap’n Crunch. Twinkies. Snickers. Ben & Jerry’s Pistachio Pistachio. Pringles….. You see my dilemma.

Favorite between meal snack? To be healthy, I’ll forego the previous answers and say string cheese. It’s a life-saver.

Do you have any weird food habits? Hmmmm…..I can’t think of any.

You’re on a diet. What food(s) do you fill up on? Grape tomatoes. String cheese. Fruit.

You’re off your diet. Now what would you like? Good bread. With Nutella. And a hot fudge sundae, with vanilla ice cream, bananas, almonds and whipped cream. And a rare steak, with garlic mashed potatoes. And lamb chops.

How spicy do you order Indian/Thai? Mild to medium.

Can I get you a drink? Freshly-squeezed orange juice with peach schnapps, please. My very favorite, though, if I can only pick one, is a plain margarita, on the rocks, with lots of salt.

Red wine or white? Yes.

Favorite dessert? Lots of them.

The perfect nightcap? A kiss.

Protection

No, not what may have come to your mind at first (or is that only because I'm around teenagers so much?)

Over the last two years, I had gradually put on almost 25 pounds. The main reason, I believe, was to protect myself from the attention of those whose shallowness should lead them in other directions. I stopped my bike riding, I let go of my yoga, and I wasn't eating well. Yes, there was stress, etc., but by and large, it was to buffer myself.

I guess the need to do that has disappeared, because in the last three months I've lost fifteen pounds, mostly without trying. I haven't done it for anyone else, either. I feel so much better.

An Old Story....Updated

I began this entry with the intention of getting out my feelings of sadness over the moving of my youngest son to college. It would have been brilliant, no doubt, but luckily I got some RP love in the nick of time.

So, no moroseness. Maybe another time.

Peace.

Wuv. Twoo Wove.

Not much time, but I've been wanting to get back to this, so I'll start small.

I've been musing on love. True, unconditional love. Experiencing it, I've had to realize how mistrusting of men's ability to honestly experience it I'd become over the last three years. I was going to say, men's ability to sustain it, but isn't that the point of true love? The real, this-is-not-infatuation love. I suppose it's normal to project unease from previous relationships onto a later one, to some extent, but it's sure not fair for my sweetie to have to pay for the sins of lesser men, so I'll stop.

And thus leave myself wide open.

Imagine what it will be like to look back, twenty years later, smile and know that it truly has been real, finally.

Or is even saying this out loud a jinx?

*deep breath*

OK. Let go. You think this happens every day?

Four Things Meme

Four Things Meme
I’ve been tagged by Hotski, and added in a category from Ali’s. Nothin’ but the best, here!

Four jobs I have had in my life:
Microfiche maker
Extraneous materials tester in a candy factory
Teacher
Cafeteria line for a semester

Four movies I would watch over and over:
The Princess Bride
The Twilight Samurai
Can I count the entire Babylon 5 series as one?
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy

Four places I have lived:
The only Oblong (thank FSM)
Springfield, IL, home of the Simpsons and all things Lincoln
Delta House (not a sorority!)
Santa Monica

Four TV shows I love to watch:
I haven’t been watching much, but I guess I’d choose-
S-G1/Stargate/whatever it’s called
Battlestar Galactica
The Simpsons
The Daily Show

Four places I have been on vacation:
Morocco
The Adirondacks and Saratoga Springs and Manhattan (same trip)
Louisiana
Germany and Rome (ditto)

Four websites I visit daily :
Radio Paradise
My emails....well, some of them, usually....
Google images
Nancies.org (except for when I get behind, which is more than I’d like)

Four of my favorite foods:
fresh naan
Fresh pineapple
Anything made with someone I love
Kozy Shack chocolate pudding

Four places I would rather be right now:
1,060 miles away
yes
yeah
yep
(oh, ok- Pretty much anywhere in Europe, or in Costa Rica or Quebec. And 1,060 miles away.)

Four albums I can’t live without (at least for the moment):
The Garden State soundtrack
Fiona Apple’s Extraordinary Machine
Patty Griffin’s Impossible Dream
Cat Steven’s Greatest Hits


Four bloggers I am tagging:
Erinn
Jennnn
Melanie
Edie

A World of Love

You know, life is funny - a goofy, loopy swirl, seen through the right lens. Ups and downs, losses and gains, but an upward spiral, overall.

I've been away from my blog for a long time. I've missed it. I have so much I wanted to say, but I've been busy, and some of what I'd like to say, I can't. I started sending out my DQs again, yesterday. I got some nice responses from people who would have a right to be annoyed with me for my sporadic communications. I spent time Sunday with one of the dearest friends I've ever had. I got a PM this evening from a man I'll probably never meet (though I hold out hope!), who reads my blog and nudges me back in when I get too far out of the loop. (Thanks, Jay.)

Love is a precious commodity in this world. It's not that it's rare, it's that we so rarely see even a smidgeon of what's there. Now, I must find a Hafiz to quote, as he knows so well what I am feeling.... OK. Done- This one will say it:

It Felt Love

How Did the rose
Ever open its heart

And give to the world
All its
Beauty?

It felt the encouragement of light
Against its
Being.

Otherwise,
We all remain

Too

Frightened.

Translated by Daniel Ladinsky, The Gift



I am so grateful for the abundance of loving, open people in my life.

7 Things Meme

Seven Things Meme.
I got this from the lovely Melanie.
It’s my first meme.

7 Things I Can Do:
1. Play piano and bassoon.
2. Camp.
3. Make the best chicken spaetzle soup you’ve ever had.
4. Make yoga accessible to a wide range of people.
5. Love unconditionally.
6. Jump into things. (It’s a talent.)
7. Give most excellent massages.
8. Laugh. (Yeah, I know.)

7 Things I Cannot Do:
1. Speak German or French fluently, dammit.
2. Rollerblade.
3. Kayak. (on my list for next summer)
4. Cook Thai. (yet)
5. Swim the way one is supposed to, with my head down in the water.
6. Hit people.
7. Follow rules. See above.

7 Things That Attract Me to the Opposite Sex:
1. Brains.
2. Good with words.
3. Able to communicate well in a relationship, because one of us should be able to.
4. Honest, with others and with himself.
5. Openly physically appreciative. I really like to be touched.
6. Likes to cook.
7. Good sense of humour.
8. A strong social conscience.
9. Warm.

7 Things That I Say Most Often:
1. Hang on.
2. And WHY are you in the left lane???!!!!
3. Thank you.
4. Yes, please.
5. OK
6. I guess.
7. I love that song!

7 Celebrity Crushes:
1. Tim Roth. (He was in this movie, where he played a prisoner who got out on work release. Totally fired my blood.)
2. Sean Bean.
3. Viggo Mortensen. (These last two were pre-LOTR. Do I have good taste, or what?)
4. Steve Earle’s voice.
5. Patrick Fitzgerald.
hmmmm…..
6. George Clooney is pretty sexy.
7. I could probably have some fun with Dave Matthews.


7 Things I Plan to do Before I Die:
1. Rent a villa in Tuscany with a group of friends.
2. Hold many, many parties and gatherings.
3. Have a gas stove and a great kitchen. Not fancy, just a usable one, with room for everyone to congregate and enjoy.
4. Spend more time in Morocco.
5. Speak German fluently. (French would be good, too.)
6. Spend weeks and weeks and weeks in Europe.
7. See my sons happy and comfortable in their lives.

7 People I Want to do This:
You. All of you.

Where to now, St. Peter?

The final installment of my birthday trilogy. It's a new year for me. Where to go with it, what to focus on?

1. Get back into really good shape, mainly with yoga over this winter, then back on my bike like I did in '04. Keep my eyes open for a good and affordable used bike.

2. Write my teacher's manual.

3. Write more letters.

4. Find more outlets to teach yoga. Of all that I do, that gives me the most joy.

5. Find another place to live.

6. Entertain.

7. Clear out, pare down.

8. Do what I want to. Really want to.

Upswing

Today is better. It's a beautiful day outside, to begin with. I'm done with work, and after I finish this, I'm taking a walk to pick some leaves to mail to a few friends.

This last week was tough. It reeked of death. I watched Hotel Rwanda five times, four with students and once with Matt. Then there was the obligatory accompanying research and discussion. The Iraq war death toll just from US soldiers, not counting the thousands and thousands of others dead, reached over 2,000. To end the death march, on Thursday evening I heard that a young woman who had gone missing from her college an hour away had been found, her body dumped and burned in an old chicken coop along I-55 in Mississippi. It turns out that she was the girlfriend of a former student of mine, with whose father I work. It was a dark, dark week.

The birthday disappointment just came on the tail of that. I felt really alone Thursday, when I heard about the death. I didn't want to email someone, or chat about it. Didn't want to call anyone on the phone. I didn't even want to talk, I just wanted to cry and be held. Knowing that isn't possible right now gave me an ache.

I need to say that I have wonderful friends. I have women and men in my life for whom I thank God every day. Some are physically close, some are far. The worst part about how I felt yesterday wasn't about my friends, it was about me, wondering if I was lacking as a friend. If not hearing from some of the people I love the most was a reflection on how I am with others I love.

So anyway, it's another day.

the 44th

Happy Birthday to me. 44 years today.

Today was actually kind of sucky, and I spent a part of it fighting off sadness. A confluence of issues have been weighing me down, and the approach of this birthday was an unknown variable. How would it be? I knew I wouldn't have my sons with me. My friends are too far or largely unavailable. Not that I called everyone I could have. In fact I only called one, but that's because the ones close have too much else going on and I knew better. I've been a little uncertain about the whole thing. My last two birthdays were fun. Good times, after a long time where my birthdays were not considered a big deal. Then this fall comes and I'm on my own re: sons, no lover and most friends gone or busy. I wasn't planning to sit around and be morose, though. Thought I might get a long massage, buy some music. Exciting, huh? A massage would have been good. Instead, yesterday afternoon, I ended up making plans to go out with two women I teach with. So, birthday night plans taken care of.

I came home yesterday to find Sean and Matt pulling into the drive behind me. They'd been to the store to get charcoal, steaks, veggies, German chocolate cake fixings and a card and gift. Terrific, they are.

I did hear from both of my parents, a good thing on a birthday. Got a card from one of my brothers yesterday, and an email from him today. Giftcard for WorldMarket, too, which I can't wait to spend. Didn't hear from any friends. Nada. That made the day drag by so slowly. It's not a fingerpointing, since I vary on how well I'm doing with others, myself. I just didn't expect a complete lack of any attention. When I got home, I saw that TerBear had made a thread for me, and that lightened my mood considerably. My evening out was great fun. Things to remember include me giving advice on which way to turn from the backseat. 'Yeah, it's a two-way.' ..... I really thought that second wine would be ok since I wasn't driving. It did, however, lead to the funniest situation I've been in for a long time, barring a certain canoe ride a couple of weeks ago. The fact that it was on a par with that says something about how much we laughed. We had a great dinner, good conversation and ended with a French film. It was a good night. And my day began with a note taped to my bathroom mirror, saying 'Happy birthday, Mom.' It was a good way to start my 45th year. I can take a flat middle sometimes, when the beginning and end are worth it. And it definitely left room for improvement next year. I'd hate to have such a great time that nothing else could ever come close. OK....I'd give it a try.

Reste avec moi.

I looked at his fingers, could feel them slide over my skin,
softly searching,
savoring touch.

His hair curled softly along his nape,
my fingers knew their texture.

I breathed in his scent,
smiling at this first knowledge.

He talked,
and the words tumbled into my mind.

He remembered,
and my being expanded.

The night passed,
and his distance grew.

Love offered and sidestepped,
mutely tendered and left to hang in the midnight air,
drifting through music to find a place to rest.

A Year and a Half

“Guess who I'm chatting with, Mom?”

"Who?"

"Erin."

Stop.

"Erin who?"

"You know, Don's daughter."

Keep folding.

"You've had her AIM all of this time?"

It's been a year and a half.
A year and a half and a lifetime.
A year and a half and a day.

"I just remembered it."

"That's some memory you have."

"Yeah."

It runs in the family.

"I'm having trouble holding on to who I am."
He said.
I understand.
I always understand.

I don't want to lose myself, either.
Getting to myself was hardwon.
A year and a half later, I've gotten back parts that I let go.
Funny how quickly that happened.

I don't think I would do that now.
Two and a half years ago, it was so new to me.
I didn't feel like I had to be on guard.

And I don't cut and run.

I don't think it was about feeling lost.
That’s an easier excuse.

It
was
about

surrender

trust

acceptance

believing.

Easier to cut and run.

Is it a fault or a grace to see the best parts of someone?
To see that the entirety is greater than the sum of the parts?
To love the parts because they formed the whole?

Progression Regression
Reversal
Whole
Gain in loss.
Refinement in fire.

Love
Laughter
Joy
Peace

It's all here.

I don't seek perfection, I seek what's real.

I'm real.

Ask Me Almost Anything, Pt. II

OK- Second Try:

:-)

You do 2 things:
1. Answer the following A-D for me.
2. Cut and paste this into your blog, to continue the game.


A. Recommend a book and tell me why:

B. Recommend a movie and tell me why:

C. Recommend a cd/album and tell me why (Can you tell I'm a teacher?) :

D. Ask me anything, unless it would embarass another person:

A Cold Weather Bonus

Long hot showers.

Lucinda

I woke up this morning with a Lucinda Williams song filling my mind. "Something About What Happens When We Talk" It's a sweet song, wistful and bittersweet:


If I had my way I'd be in your town.
I might not stay,
but at least I would've been around.
Cause there's something about what happens when we talk.
Something about what happens when we talk.

Does this make sense?
It doesn't matter anyway.
Is it coincidence or was it meant to be?
Cause there's something about what happens when we talk.
Something about what happens when we talk.

Conversation with you was like a drug.
It wasn't your face so much as it was your words.
Cause there's something about what happens when we talk.
Something about what happens when we talk.

Well I can't stay round, cause I'm going back south.
But all I regret now is I never kissed your mouth.
Cause there's something about what happens when we talk.
Something about what happens when we talk.
Cause there's something about what happens when we talk.
Something about what happens when we talk.


Then the alarm went off and 'Heart" came on, screaming 'Magic Man,' piece of mania that it is. It takes me back to summers in high school, waxing the upstairs floors of my grandparents' farmhouse, blasting the radio. 'Barracuda' and 'Magic Man' must have been played hourly, and I liked them, as they fit all of that teen angst I had.

I like Lucinda better.

Frustration

What's causing frustration across the U.S. and in numerous other places around the world?

The work of some damned Romanian hackers!

:-p





On the upside, which is more important, I had a most lovely weekend.

:-)

I Love My Freshmen

I have a great freshman class this year. I don't know what dynamics are making it so lovely, but I'm enjoying it. It's not that it's all perfect. There's the girl who reminds me of Tracy Flick. The groups as a whole can chatter enough to raise a barn roof. But- they shine, to me.

Part I:
In one of the classes is a boy who is so....cute. I want to pinch his round freckled cheeks. I was watching 'Stand By Me' with one of my sons this last weekend, and when Vern came on the screen, I started. 'He looks just like that student I was telling you about! The freshman who makes me smile all of the time!' Except my student looks more innocent and sweeter than the Vern character. And he sits right in front of my podium. :-)

Part II:
I did something new with my room this year. I have the wall above the green chalkboard in the front of the room covered with a bright blue piece of paper (covering the top 30" strip of the entire wall). Decorating that is an assignment which I had the seniors do. I had terms of some of the most glaring instances of injustice in our world written on paper and taped to that strip. I had them trace their hands and decorate them, along with a written inclusion. Then they picked an injustice they would like to help to erase in their lifetime. The hands are bright and colorful. It's a hopeful scene.

I also had the windows open today (cool enough not to have the A/C on!). My room was light and airy.

In my seventh period freshman class, one of the girls said,' You're room is so bright! It feels so good. It makes me feel like I'm coming home on a sunny day, and my dad is mowing the lawn, and my sister is in the pool. It just feels so nice!.....Thanks for creating such a nice learning environment for us!'

?????

Never have I had a student say that. It was a good, vibrant moment. Memorable. Another reason to be thankful for this blog, so it doesn't just become another lost good memory.

Moving on....

Part III:
Later, in my eighth period class, one of the freshmen accompanied a statement with 'Aaargh!.' (Yours is not to ask why....) I mentioned, 'You know, 'National Talk Like a Pirate Day' must be coming up.' Their faces were a sight to see. Bemusement, hope, wonder....almost like a child at Christmas. Like me, in some good moments. One student blurted out, 'How do you know this?!' Several of them looked at each other and nodded at this question and turned quickly back to me. I answered, 'It's just the sort of useless, quirky knowledge with which I like to fill my brain.' One of them answered, 'We're a lot alike.' (He was me 'aaaargh!' matey.). Later, while they were working on their groupwork, I looked up the date. This coming Monday! gulp. Not much time to prepare, and I'm leaving for the weekend. I'll have to see what I can do. I saw a party store that had blow-up palm trees a while back. I might check into that tomorrow. 'Twould be worth it.